NOTE
This article is submitted by readers. Editor CodingXiaoheng has made a small revision to facilitate reading under the premise of retaining the original intention. The subjective narrative only represents the personal views of the contributor. If you need to reprint, please obtain the author's consent. You can contact the author through us. Contact us: mail@mtf.report
EDITOR'S NOTE
This is a story about self-awareness, struggle and the pursuit of independence. It records the author's experience from a confused childhood, to the struggle after awakening, and then to the final break free from the shackles and embrace the new life.
CAUTION
This article involves transgender dilemmas, self-injury and forced hospitalization, which may cause discomfort. Please decide according to your own situation before reading. If you feel mood swings, please seek reliable support and help in time.
Family Background and Growing Environment
My parents are both civil servants in the system. They are relatively conservative and have high requirements for me since I was a child. When I was very young, I took me to all kinds of drinking and dinners, which may cause me to be a little precocious and think more than my peers. Fortunately, my grades have always been relatively good. In a local prefecture-level city, my grades are probably above the middle, and sometimes I can reach an excellent level. However, this aggravated their expectations of me, resulting in a very serious mental exhaustion, and it was difficult for me to show it.
Early Gender Recognition
Since elementary school, I have been vague about the concept of gender. I only think that playing with girls is more comfortable than playing with a group of naughty boys. At that time, they were all children. Before that, they simply felt that their personality might be different from that of ordinary boys.
Awakening in Junior High School
In junior high school, I began to have some beginnings and began to pay attention to my image. Usually, I would deliberately clean myself up, and even take the initiative to use skin care products to maintain the condition of my skin. I found myself gradually resisting the impetuous and unrestrained boys in the class, as if their behavior made me a little difficult to integrate. And you may realize that you are more inclined to emotional thinking.
Self-Exploration in High School
After the middle school entrance examination, I have my own computer, which allows me to explore the world more freely. Soon I learned to climb over the wall and came into contact with all kinds of information that I had never known before. At that time, I learned about "medicine" (estradiol like Progynova, etc.) for the first time. It seemed to make me find some comfort in my chaotic mood, as if I had been affirmed somewhere in my heart.
But at that time, my family still had a high control over me, so I basically didn't have the opportunity to have HRT in the first year of high school. All this ushered in a turning point when I was a sophomore in high school, because I had already realized that my gender identity might be wrong in my freshman year of high school, so I got about 200 yuan of disposable property per week through negotiations with my parents in the joint examination of my sophomore year of high school, which also provided an economic source for my HRT in high school.
Physical Changes and Out-of-Clock
After the first half of the first semester of the sophomore year of high school, the second semester of the second year of high school has been calm for nearly a year, but I am still a little overwhelmed by the changes in the body of hormones. Thoughts and feelings become sensitive, and breasts begin to develop. At this time, the change in appearance is obvious. For me, it is only a matter of time to be out-of-clock.
As expected, my deskmate asked me a sharp question during the make-up class after the second semester of the second semester of high school. He asked me if I was the MtF. At that time, my mind was directly confused and I didn't know how to answer. Later, when he saw my reaction, he might feel a little abrupt. He hurriedly explained that he was also on Twitter. Looking at my performance, especially the breast development, it was very similar to the MtFs he saw. At this time, no matter how much I argue and explain, it's useless. I can only admit it to him.
Bullying on Campus and Psychological Trauma
What was disappointing was that he turned around and spread this matter to the whole class. At that time, I suddenly felt that the world had collapsed. My classmates looked at me completely differently from usual. In addition, I was already in my senior year of high school at that time, and I was under great pressure to study. Finally, one day, I couldn't help the emotional pressure in my heart, so I cut my hand and swallowed the medicine in the school.
Looking back on my experience at that time, I feel that I am too childish. Obviously, there are many other ways to relieve stress and release emotions, but I choose this method that has the greatest impact on me.
Discovery of Family and Diagnosis
The following process is also very routine, and parents are asked to suspend school. When my parents heard this news, they simply felt that I was under too much pressure and depressed. I didn't dare to tell them that I was secretly taking hormones, but after all, paper can't wrap fire. In a few days, they still found out that I was taking hormones. In addition, in the days when I was taken home, I couldn't be honest and tried to hurt myself many times.
They may think that the matter is a little big and they can't solve it by themselves. Later, they took me to the Fourth People's Hospital in Chengdu to get a diagnose. At this time, in fact, I have hope for my parents, and I may even have a little unrealistic and beautiful fantasy, thinking that I may be supported by my parents. Then only a week later, their attitude changed in an instant, saying that I was influenced by the foreign culture and that I was brainwashed by America. All of this was a conspiracy of foreigners to destroy our generation. At that time, I suddenly wanted to die, but fort fortesy, there was no substantial action, and it was not said that I was caught to reverse the mechanism.
Deceived Into a Mental Hospital
One day later, they said that they would take me to West China Hospital to check depression-related projects, but they didn't know that this was the beginning of a nightmare. That morning, my mother called me up and told me to pack up quickly and go to West China Hospital for a check-up. At that time, I didn't think much about it, thinking that it was just difficult to register.
Until I entered the ward, I felt that all this was no different from usual, but as soon as I opened the elevator door, the scene I saw made my head empty in an instant: in front of me was a particularly thick shielding door, which said Ward 4 of West China Hospital PICU Intensive Psychiatric Care Ward. At that time, it was too late to run, and I didn't know what means they did. They didn't do any examination and diagnosis at all, and they could directly entrn me in. Maybe my father found some kind of relationship at that time.
The Days in Mental Hospital
After entering, in fact, my mood did not have much ups and downs. I spent a day familiarizing myself with the whole ward. I found that it was impossible to run out at all. All access controls had to be swiped. Even the elevator shaft had a gate about the same thickness as the human defense project. There were at least five or six particularly strong security guards guarding the door. Suddenly, I became numb. Without doing anything extreme, I quickly accepted the current situation.
Because when my attending doctor came to check my room alone, I heard that he was a chief professor-level doctor. I thought it should be more authoritative, so I told him about my situation, but he kept perfunctory. Every time I asked him all the questions, he said, "Oh? Is that so? Oh, so that's it. It's amazing. "This kind of similar language makes me perfunctory. I also have no hope for this, but when I asked him at that time, he said that he would definitely be discharged from the hospital in a month. I thought to myself that I would run away after a month anyway.
The Nightmare of MECT
With this mentality, I spent another two days. Until the third day, the nurse informed me in the morning and told me to wait outside and not to have breakfast. I still felt strange. Then he took me and a few patients through several isolation doors into a small room. As soon as I entered, I heard the alarms of various instruments. At that time, the air conditioner in the room was very cold, and various curtains separated each area separately. The entrance door said MECT treatment room.
Then the nurse tied my hands and feet to the bed, and then left the room as if nothing happened, without any humanity. The restraint was tied very tightly, and the more you broke free, the more painful it became. Then, after waiting for about 20 minutes, a doctor in a white coat and wearing a mask came, pushed my bed into a small compartment and pulled the curtain.
Before I could react and see clearly what instruments were available, he took off my glasses (my eyes are highly short-sighted, both of which are more than 900 degrees, and I can't see them without glasses). Before I could understand what was going on, they sprayed alcohol on my head, then put on a rubber elastic ring and connected electrodes at the two temples, almost simultaneously. Another doctor injected me with a small tube of liquid that I don't know what it was. It was a little cold when I first entered, and then I felt dizzy and unconscious.
When I woke up, it was already afternoon. My eyes were dull and my head hurt a lot. Thinking about everything is very slow, and the coordination of walking has a little impact. Then this step was repeated 12 times in a month, so that I almost forgot everything that had happened in the past year when I was discharged from the hospital.
The Decision to Escape From the Family
Later, after I came out, my parents thought that I was definitely convinced and asked me to recover at home. But at that time, I hated them so much that I didn't go through any examination and diagnosis from West China Hospital. As a result, I was directly locked up in a closed ward for a month. A few days after returning home, I escaped from home and went to a nearby city.
I worked hard to find a job as a customer service in the local area. The boss was very nice and never asked me about my past experience. In the first month, he directly paid my salary in advance so that I could settle the previous rent. During this period, my parents have been trying to establish contact with me through my contact information, but they ignored me until I stabilized.
Re-Establish the Relationship
At that time, I was just a few months away from being 17 years old. Later, my life stabilized and I reconnected with them. I clearly told them that I couldn't go back. I couldn't be your son anymore. Maybe they also know that they can't help me anymore, which is a kind of helpless compromise.
A New Beginning
Later, I was admitted to a junior college far away from home through the single admission examination, but fortunately, the original foundation was there, and this school was still relatively good (public and double first-class). On the third day of the Chinese New Year this year, I met my husband (coldtea). Now I have quit my local customer service job and have fled Sichuan to Liaoning, but there should be no obstacle when I think of returning to Sichuan to study in September.
Personal Insights and Suggestions
These experiences may seem nothing, but many details of each node during the period are difficult to explain, such as the betrayal of classmates, the deception of parents, the difficulties of all kinds of people in society, etc. I'd better put forward my personal opinion. If you can't give up your studies, try not to give up your studies. Without academic knowledge, you can't find a job, and it's likely that you can barely survive.
Having experienced so much along the way, I believe that I will follow my heart and live well!